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| +1 Poisoning-Sword-Morning Star-Spear of Meta-Humor...very effective against Dragons apparently. |
Greetings! Will here, back in the saddle again for this week's Failed Magic Items.
Y'all know the drill, let's do this!
Note: Demon Armor has been omitted because of its already cursed status.
Doug's Instant Distress
"Wondrous" item, rare
You can use an action to place this 1-inch metal cube on the ground and speak its command word. The cube then rapidly grows into the object of your greatest fear. You must make a DC 13 Wisdom saving throw or become Frightened of the object. You can repeat the save at the end of your turn to end the effect. If you pass this save or the effect ends for you, you are not Frightened. The cube becomes inactive after 1d4 hours.
Dagger of Syrup
Weapon (dagger), uncommon
You can use an action to cause thick, brown syrup to coat the blade. The syrup remains for 1 minute or until an attack using this weapon hits a creature. The syrup tastes sweet and perhaps makes any wound it causes to sting a bit, but otherwise doesn't have any additional effects. The dagger can’t be used this way again until the next dawn.
This stoppered flask heavily sloughs around when shaken, as if it contains a viscous sauce. The decanter weighs 2 pounds.
You can use an action to remove the stopper and speak one of three command words, whereupon an amount of mustard pours out of the flask. The mustard stops pouring out at the start of your next turn.
Delusions Table
Fish scale mail is made of the scales of a fish. Sometimes a fish loses its scales by bumping into something while swimming. Other times, fishermen carefully skin and preserve the hide of a dead fish. In either case, fish scale mail is very odd and makes one wonder what madman went through the trouble of making it.
While wearing this armor, you gain a -2 penalty to AC but have advantage on weapon attacks against aquatic creatures.
Additionally, you can focus your senses as an action to magically discern the distance and direction to the closest fish within 30 miles of you. This special action can’t be used again until the next dawn.
When you use an action to throw a handful of the dust into the air, you and each creature that has skin within 30 feet of you must succeed on a DC 15 Constitution saving throw or become horrifically itchy. A creature affected in this way is Incapacitated and spends its turns hopelessly scratching at its skin. As long as it is conscious, a creature can repeat the saving throw at the end of each of its turns, ending the effect on it on a success. After the first failed save, the creature's scratching begins to cause open wounds, dealing 1d4 Piercing damage on the second failed save. This damage increases by 1d4 for each subsequent failed save after the second. The Lesser Restoration spell can also end the effect on a creature.
Dwarf Driver
Break-Dancing Sword
Weapon (any sword), very rare (requires attunement)
You can use a bonus action to toss this magic sword into the air and speak the command word. When you do so, the sword clatters to the floor and remains motionless until it is exposed to a jaunty and high-energy tune. The sword then begins to rhythmically spin and gyrate in place at blinding speed. Any creature that comes within 5 feet of the sword is subjected to four melee weapon attacks at +5 to hit. The sword deals damage based on the type of sword it is and has no modifiers to its damage rolls. The sword stops spinning once the music stops and it can then be picked up.
You can use a bonus action to toss this magic sword into the air and speak the command word. When you do so, the sword clatters to the floor and remains motionless until it is exposed to a jaunty and high-energy tune. The sword then begins to rhythmically spin and gyrate in place at blinding speed. Any creature that comes within 5 feet of the sword is subjected to four melee weapon attacks at +5 to hit. The sword deals damage based on the type of sword it is and has no modifiers to its damage rolls. The sword stops spinning once the music stops and it can then be picked up.
Decanter of Endless Mustard
"Wondrous" item, uncommon
You can use an action to remove the stopper and speak one of three command words, whereupon an amount of mustard pours out of the flask. The mustard stops pouring out at the start of your next turn.
Choose from the following options:
“Yellow” produces 1 cup of regular yellow mustard.
“Dijon” produces 1/2 cup of a spicy Dijon mustard.
“Stone Ground” produces 1/4 cup of gourmet stone-ground mustard
“Dijon” produces 1/2 cup of a spicy Dijon mustard.
“Stone Ground” produces 1/4 cup of gourmet stone-ground mustard
The mustard itself doesn't do anything special, but it could make a nice addition to a meal.
Deck of Delusions
"Wondrous" item, rare
This box contains a set of parchment cards. A full deck has 14 cards. A deck found as treasure is usually missing 1d8-1 cards.
The magic of the deck functions only if cards are drawn at random (you can use an altered deck of playing cards to simulate the deck). You can use an action to draw a card at random from the deck.
The creature that drew the card must make a DC 15 Intelligence saving throw or be afflicted with a corresponding delusion from the Delusions Table below. Whether it is true or not (probably not), the creature is utterly convinced it's real even, and especially, in the face of competing evidence.
The delusion lasts for 24 hours. When the delusion ends, the image on its card disappears, and that card can’t be used again.
This box contains a set of parchment cards. A full deck has 14 cards. A deck found as treasure is usually missing 1d8-1 cards.
The magic of the deck functions only if cards are drawn at random (you can use an altered deck of playing cards to simulate the deck). You can use an action to draw a card at random from the deck.
The creature that drew the card must make a DC 15 Intelligence saving throw or be afflicted with a corresponding delusion from the Delusions Table below. Whether it is true or not (probably not), the creature is utterly convinced it's real even, and especially, in the face of competing evidence.
The delusion lasts for 24 hours. When the delusion ends, the image on its card disappears, and that card can’t be used again.
- Jack of Hearts: "I'm fabulously wealthy"
- Queen of Hearts: "Everyone loves me and enjoys my company"
- King of Hearts: "I'm immensely popular, everyone recognizes me"
- Ace of Hearts: "I can lift anything, even mountains"
- Jack of Spades: "I can outrun anything, nothing can catch me."
- Queen of Spades: "Everyone is a dullard compared to me"
- King of Spades: "No disease can infect me"
- Ace of Spades: "I can drink anyone under the table"
- Jack of Clubs: "I can jump higher than anything else"
- Queen of Clubs: "I'm tallest among everything here"
- King of Clubs: "I have the face of a Solar, no one can resist my charms"
- Ace of Clubs: "I'm the greatest warrior that has ever lived"
- Jack of Diamonds: "My stomach might as well be a Bag of Holding"
- Queen of Diamonds: "I'm the greatest chef alive"
- King of Diamonds: "I'm impervious to any weapon made by mortal hands"
- Ace of Diamonds: "I'm a Legendary Ancient Dragon in disguise"
- Joker (2): "I died a while ago, my body is merely a spectral projection"
Deck of One Thing
"Wondrous" item, rare
Usually found by itself, not contained in any vessel, this is a card made of somewhat sturdy parchment with a poorly drawn picture of an obscene gesture on one side. When you "draw" this card a Human man in his early 30s appears in front of you. For the next hour the man ceaselessly spouts every reason that this item's counterpart, the Deck of Many Things, is unnecessarily obtuse in its design and admonishes the wizard that conceived it.
The man then disappears. The card can be "drawn" again after 24 hours.
Offender
Weapon (any sword), legendary (requires attunement)
You have the option to gain a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls with this magic weapon.
However, if you use this bonus on any attack a voice resonates from the sword and brutally insults every creature (including yourself) within 60 feet of it. Every creature in the affected area must make a DC 14 Wisdom saving throw or take 2d4 Psychic damage and have disadvantage on the next attack roll it makes before the end of its next turn. The voice leaves its most cutting insult for you and you take 4d4 Psychic damage if you fail the save.
One-Dimensional Shackles
"Wondrous" item, rare
You can use an action to places these shackles on an Incapacitated creature. The shackles adjust to fit a creature of Small to Large size. In addition to serving as mundane manacles, the shackles reduce the creature to its primary Personality Trait. Any other semblance of depth to the creature's identity is suppressed so long as the shackles remain.
You and any creature you designate when you use the shackles can use an action to remove them. Once every 30 days, the bound creature can make a DC 30 Strength (Athletics) check. On a success, the creature breaks free and destroys the shackles, regaining the rest of their personality.
You can use an action to places these shackles on an Incapacitated creature. The shackles adjust to fit a creature of Small to Large size. In addition to serving as mundane manacles, the shackles reduce the creature to its primary Personality Trait. Any other semblance of depth to the creature's identity is suppressed so long as the shackles remain.
You and any creature you designate when you use the shackles can use an action to remove them. Once every 30 days, the bound creature can make a DC 30 Strength (Athletics) check. On a success, the creature breaks free and destroys the shackles, regaining the rest of their personality.
Fish Scale Mail
Armor (scale mail), very rare (requires attunement)
While wearing this armor, you gain a -2 penalty to AC but have advantage on weapon attacks against aquatic creatures.
Additionally, you can focus your senses as an action to magically discern the distance and direction to the closest fish within 30 miles of you. This special action can’t be used again until the next dawn.
Rodent Slayer
Weapon (any sword), rare
You gain a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls made against rodents with this magic weapon.
When you hit a rodent with this weapon, the rodent takes an extra 10d6 damage of the weapon’s type. For the purpose of this weapon, “rodent” refers creatures like rats, mice, gerbils, hamsters, rabbits, ferrets, beavers, voles, chinchillas, and capybaras...oh, and also Wererats.
Dust of Dull Appearance
You gain a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls made against rodents with this magic weapon.
When you hit a rodent with this weapon, the rodent takes an extra 10d6 damage of the weapon’s type. For the purpose of this weapon, “rodent” refers creatures like rats, mice, gerbils, hamsters, rabbits, ferrets, beavers, voles, chinchillas, and capybaras...oh, and also Wererats.
Dust of Dull Appearance
"Wondrous" item, uncommon
Found in a small packet, this powder resembles very fine sand. There is enough of it for one use. When you use an action to throw the dust into the air, you and each creature and object within 10 feet of you become incredibly dull looking for 2d4 minutes. Any armor or clothing transforms into beige linen, weapons become wooden and useless, and the color in the effected area becomes desaturated. The duration is the same for all subjects, and the dust is consumed when its magic takes effect. If a creature affected by the dust attacks or casts a spell, it is done in an incredibly lackluster manner.
Found in a small packet, this powder resembles very fine sand. There is enough of it for one use. When you use an action to throw the dust into the air, you and each creature and object within 10 feet of you become incredibly dull looking for 2d4 minutes. Any armor or clothing transforms into beige linen, weapons become wooden and useless, and the color in the effected area becomes desaturated. The duration is the same for all subjects, and the dust is consumed when its magic takes effect. If a creature affected by the dust attacks or casts a spell, it is done in an incredibly lackluster manner.
Dust of Shyness
"Wondrous" item, uncommon
This small packet contains 1d6+4 pinches of dust. You can use an action to sprinkle a pinch of it over a creature, however in doing so the dust also touches you and you are affected by it. Both you and the creature become debilitatingly shy of one another for 10 minutes. During this time, neither of you can speak, look at, interact, or target the other with an attack or spell of any kind. At most you can make sheepish giggling or whimpering noises at one another.
This small packet contains 1d6+4 pinches of dust. You can use an action to sprinkle a pinch of it over a creature, however in doing so the dust also touches you and you are affected by it. Both you and the creature become debilitatingly shy of one another for 10 minutes. During this time, neither of you can speak, look at, interact, or target the other with an attack or spell of any kind. At most you can make sheepish giggling or whimpering noises at one another.
Dust of Itching and Scratching
"Wondrous" item, uncommon
Found in a small container, this powder resembles very fine sand. There is enough of it for one use.When you use an action to throw a handful of the dust into the air, you and each creature that has skin within 30 feet of you must succeed on a DC 15 Constitution saving throw or become horrifically itchy. A creature affected in this way is Incapacitated and spends its turns hopelessly scratching at its skin. As long as it is conscious, a creature can repeat the saving throw at the end of each of its turns, ending the effect on it on a success. After the first failed save, the creature's scratching begins to cause open wounds, dealing 1d4 Piercing damage on the second failed save. This damage increases by 1d4 for each subsequent failed save after the second. The Lesser Restoration spell can also end the effect on a creature.
Dwarven Plate
Object (plate), rare
This large, ornate, and nigh-indestructible plate can be used to eat off of or perhaps decorate part of a wall. It can be used a shield.
Dwarf Driver
Weapon (warhammer), very rare (requires attunement by any creature other than a dwarf)
This warhammer of exotic construction features a particularly long and thin haft with a bulbous head on one end. Against any creature that is not a dwarf, it behaves as if it were a normal warhammer. However, if you succeed in making a two-handed melee attack against a dwarf, the dwarf must then make a DC 12 Strength saving throw or be launched 30 feet backwards.
If you use a bonus action to speak the command word "Fore!" before making this attack, the distance increases to 60 feet.
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All for now, 'til next time!
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All for now, 'til next time!
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