Failed Magic Items: Dungeon Master's Guide Part 16 (W)

Sidenote: Wile-E-Coyote would absolutely use these items

Greetings, it's Will (and Jon) again. It's finally here! The last Failed Magic Items article! It's been quite the pun-filled journey hasn't it?

Well, no use in tarrying any longer than needed.

Here we go!

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Wand of Blinding
Wand, rare (requires attunement by a spellcaster)

This wand has 7 charges. It regains 1d6+1 charges at dawn. If you expend the wand’s last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand crumbles into ashes and is destroyed.

You can use an action to expend one charge and produce a 60 foot blinding nova of bright light. Every creature that can see the wand (including you) is then Blinded for 1 minute.

Wand of Self-Incrimination
Wand, uncommon (requires attunement)

This wand has 7 charges. While holding it, you can use an action and expend 1 charge to speak its command word. For the next minute, your thoughts are loudly and telepathically broadcast to every creature within 120 feet.

The wand regains 1d6 + 1 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand’s last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand crumbles into ashes and is destroyed.

Wand of Cheer
Wand, uncommon (requires attunement)

This wand has 7 charges for the following properties. It regains 1d6 + 1 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand’s last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand crumbles into ashes and is destroyed.

You can use an action to expend one charge. Expending a charge caused the wand to shoot festive scraps of colorful paper in a 15 foot cone, this is accompanied by the sound of a small horn. It has no other effects.

Wand of Fire Balls

Wand, rare (requires attunement by a spellcaster)

This wand has 7 charges. While holding it, you can use an action to expend 1 or more charges and target a point you can see within 150 feet. Each creature within 20 feet of that point must succeed on a DC 15 Constitution saving throw or be affected by a terrible genital pain and become incapacitated until the end of their next turn. Female creatures, constructs, undead, and oozes are unaffected by this wand. The radius of the effect increases by 5 feet for each additional charge spent.

The wand regains 1d6 + 1 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand’s last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand crumbles into ashes and is destroyed, and you are affected by the fire balls effect if you normally could be.

Wand of Cloth Bolts
Wand, uncommon (requires attunement by a spellcaster)

This wand has 7 charges. While holding it, you can use an action to expend 1 or more of its charges to produce a bolt of cloth. The type of which is determined randomly from the table below...

Cloth Bolt Table (1d6)

1. Cotton
2. Wool
3. Silk
4. Muslin
5. Burlap
6. Cashmere

The bolt consists of a 5 by 30 foot sheet of the determined cloth. The wand regains 1d6 + 1 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand’s last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand crumbles into ashes and is destroyed.

Wand of Magic Deletion

Wand, uncommon

This wand has 3 charges. While holding it, you can expend 1 charge as an action to store a spell that you know. Unfortunately, storing the spell in this way causes you to forget said spell until you are able to relearn it either through leveling up or recording it in a spellbook. The wand regains 1d3 expended charges daily at dawn.

Wand of Erratic Missiles

Wand, uncommon

This wand has 7 charges. While holding it, you can use an action and expend 1 or more of its charges to cause 3 erratic magical bolts to fly from its tip. The target of each missile is selected randomly from all creatures (including you) within 60 feet of the wand. Each missile automatically hits its target, and deals 1d4+1 force damage on a hit. The number of missiles increases by one for each charge you spend beyond the first.

The wand regains 1d6 + 1 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand’s last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand crumbles into ashes and is destroyed.

Wand of Self-Paralysis

Wand, uncommon (requires attunement by a spellcaster)

This wand has 7 charges. While holding it, you can use an action and expend 1 charge to cause yourself to become paralyzed for 1 minute. At the end of each of your turns, you can choose to make a DC 15 Constitution saving throw, ending the effect on yourself on a success.

The wand regains 1d6 + 1 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand’s last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand crumbles into ashes and is destroyed.

Wand of Mighty Morph

Wand, very rare (requires attunement by a spellcaster)

This wand has 3 charges. While holding it, you can use an action and expend up to 3 charges to target a group of willing creatures which are all the same race. The number of creatures you can target is determined by the number of charges spent: 1 creature (1 charge), 3 creatures (2 charges) or 5 creatures (3 charges). Each creature targeted by this affect gains brightly colored armor designed vaguely to look like a dinosaur, and each creature's armor is a different color. For 10 minutes, the target's armor class can't be less than 18, each target gains 15 temporary hit points, and the target's attack does an additional 1d8 force damage, or 2d8 against oozes. At the end of the duration, the target loses all of these benefits.

The wand regains 1d3 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand’s last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand crumbles into ashes and is destroyed.

Wand of Secretions

Wand, uncommon

The wand has 3 charges. While holding it, you can use an action to expend 1 of its charges, and if another creature other than a construct or undead is within 30 feet of you, the wand pulses and you can smell the creature immediately. The wand regains 1d3 expended charges daily at dawn.

Wand of the Whimpy Mage, -1, -2, or -3
Wand, uncommon (+1), rare (+2), or very rare (+3) (requires attunement by a spellcaster)

While holding this wand, you gain a penalty to spell attack rolls determined by the wand’s rarity. In addition, the wand makes pathetic whimpering noises every time it is used.

Wand of Skub
Wand, uncommon (requires attunement by a spellcaster)

This wand has 7 charges. While holding it, you can use an action to expend 1 of its charges. Expending a charge forces every creature within 120 feet of the wand to make a DC 12 Charisma saving throw. Every creature that succeeded on the saving throw becomes unreasonably hostile to every creature that failed the saving throw, and visa versa. This effect lasts for 1d4 minutes, until the wand is destroyed, or until only one "side" is left standing.

The wand regains 1d6 + 1 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand’s last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand melts into a weird paste, the origin and purpose of which is unknown.

Wand of Wander

Wand, very rare (requires attunement by a spellcaster)

This wand has 7 charges. While holding it, you can use an action to expend 1 of its charges and choose a target within 120 feet of you. The target can be a creature or an object. The target is teleported to a random location, determined by rolling a d100 on the following table. If the target is an unwilling creature, they can make a DC 15 Constitution saving throw to avoid the effect.

The wand regains 1d6 + 1 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand's last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand crumbles into dust and is destroyed.

• 1-10: The target's current location, but the target is now upside down. If they are a creature, they must succeed on a DC 20 Dexterity (Acrobatics) check or fall prone.
• 11-25: The nearest unoccupied space to the target's current location.
• 26-30: The target's current location, but the target is now facing the opposite direction they were before.
• 31-35: The nearest unoccupied ceiling space to the target's current location. If the target cannot fly or crawl on ceilings, they begin falling.
• 36-40: The nearest unoccupied wall space to the target's current location. If the target cannot fly or crawl on walls, they begin falling.
• 41-55: The nearest unoccupied space to the target's current location that is also at least 30 feet from all creatures hostile to it.
• 56-70: The target's current location, but they are now in the border ethereal plane. They appear ghostly and translucent, and cannot affect or be affected by objects in the material plane. If this result is rolled in a place where there is no Ethereal plane (such as the Outer Planes), treat the result as a roll of 11-25.
• 71-75: An unoccupied space in Avernus, first layer of the Nine Hells.
• 76-80: An unoccupied space on the lowest peaks of Mount Celestia.
• 81-90: A random location in the Astral Plane.
• 91: A random location in the Elemental Plane of Earth.
• 92: A random location in the Elemental Plane of Fire.
• 93: A random location in the Elemental Plane of Air.
• 94: A random location in the Elemental Plane of Water.
• 95: A random location in The Abyss.
• 96: A random location in Carceri.
• 97: All of the target's vital organs are teleported to the nearest unoccupied space to the target's current location. The target falls unconscious, and unless their organs are replaced within 1 round, the target dies. If the target is an object, it is teleported into pieces.
• 98: All infectious diseases are teleported out of the target. Wounds are teleported closed. The target regains all hit points, and any ongoing conditions end on it. If the target is an object, it is resorted to pristine condition.
• 99: A random location in the space between the stars.
• 00: The target is teleported into your space, and directly intersects you. You and the target are now considered a single creature for the purposes of magic and targeting. If the target is an Ooze, an incorporeal creature, or an object smaller than your fist, make a DC 25 Constitution saving throw. On a success, you take 5d10 necrotic damage, and the target is absorbed or consumed by your body. On a failure, or if the target is not one of the things listed above, you drop to 0 hit points and are dying. While the target is within you, you cannot be stabilized. If you die and the target was a creature, the creature appears in your space. The target can be removed from your body by Regeneration or similar magic.

Weapon, -1, -2, or -3
Weapon (any), uncommon (+1), rare (+2), or very rare (+3)

You have a penalty to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon. The penalty is determined by the weapon’s rarity.

Weapon of Warming

Weapon (any), uncommon (requires attunement)

This magic weapon warms your hands. While holding the weapon, you have advantage on Constitution saving throws made to avoid the effects of cold weather.

Well of Many Words

"Wondrous" item, rare

This fine black cloth, soft as silk, is folded up to the dimensions of a handkerchief. It unfolds into a circular sheet 6 feet in diameter.

You can use an action to unfold and place the Well of Many Words on a solid surface, whereupon it creates a large mouth. The Well begins retelling The Ballad of Bilky the Bard, an incredibly boring saga about a bard with nothing better to do than write down every single thing that happened to him. The saga takes a full year to read out loud, and the Well continues at a monotone drone for this entire duration. Any creature that spends 10 minutes within 60 feet of the Well must succeed on a DC 20 Wisdom saving throw or fall unconscious. A creature may use their action to shake an unconscious creature awake. You can use an action to close the Well of Many Words by taking hold of the edges and folding it up again. The next time the Well is used, it assumes you haven't heard the story before and starts over at the beginning.

Fan of Wind Fans

"Wondrous" item, uncommon

While holding this fan, you can use an action to flap it in any direction. Upon doing this, the fan summons a small Pixie for 1 hour. The Pixie then proceeds to loudly and enthusiastically cheer you on for using the fan, and sing praises for the wind in general. Once used, the fan shouldn’t be used again until the next dawn. Each time it is used again before then, it has a cumulative 20 percent chance of not working and tearing into useless, nonmagical tatters. This then causes all summoned Pixies to turn violently hostile toward you.

Weighted Boots

"Wondrous" item, uncommon

While you wear these boots, your speed is 0 and you are incapable of jumping. As a bonus action, you can attempt a DC 14 Athletics check in order to move 5 feet in any direction. Additionally, all falling damage taken is doubled and you sink twice as fast in liquid.

Wings of Falling

"Wondrous" item, uncommon

While wearing this cloak, you can use an action to speak its command word. This turns the cloak into a poorly constructed pair of wooden wings held together by honey and chicken feathers. The wings almost immediately fall apart and the cloak is then destroyed.

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And that's a wrap! Thank you all so much for reading. It is incredibly likely that we will have a single PDF of all of these items available at some point in the future, so be on the lookout for that.

Until next time!