Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Failed Magic Items: Dungeon Master's Guide Part 15 (T-V)

I'm running out of Google Image results for "Stupid Magic Items"
So here's a picture of a Mimic.

Greetings! Will here again for the second to last Failed Magic Items article for the DMG. This time we have items covering "T" through "V"

Let's get started!


Talisman of Absolute Neutrality
"Wondrous" item, legendary (requires attunement by a creature of true neutral alignment)

This talisman is a testament to never picking a side and not getting involved in other people's affairs. A creature that is good, evil, lawful, and/or chaotic in alignment takes 6d6 radiant damage upon touching the talisman. Either sort of creature takes the damage again each time it ends its turn holding or carrying the talisman.

If you are a true neutral cleric or paladin, you can use the talisman as a holy symbol.

The talisman has 7 charges. If you are wearing or holding it, you can use an action to expend 1 charge from it and choose one creature you can see within 120 feet of you. If the target is of good, evil, lawful, and/or chaotic alignment, the target must succeed on a DC 20 Charisma saving throw or have their alignment permanently changed to True Neutral. When you expend the last charge, the talisman disperses into motes of white light and is destroyed.

Talisman of Beer
"Wondrous" item, varies (requires attunement)

While you are holding this talisman, you can use an action to transform any magical or nonmagical item into a pint of cold beer. The quality of which is determined by the rarity of the item.
  • Nonmagical/Common: The beer is incredibly light and has only slightly more flavor than water
  • Uncommon: The beer features some depth of flavor but is otherwise unremarkable
  • Rare: The beer has a good body to it and a nice range of flavor
  • Very Rare: The beer tastes as if it had been brewed by a master, full bodied and complex in its taste profile
  • Legendary: The beer features taste combinations that couldn't have been conceived by mortal minds, but no less work in a way that is unbelievably delicious and satisfying
  • Artifact: The beer is nigh-inconceivable in its quality and taste, even drinking it seems like a crime against nature as the more you drink the closer it becomes to being absent from the multiverse, indeed your life seems to lose meaning in the face of this of this impossibly crafted brew

The item is destroyed if transformed in this way.

Tennisball Rod
Rod, uncommon

Made by an especially athletic Gnome, this rod is a magic weapon that has a fuzzy, yellow-green orb on one end. While holding the rod, you can use an action to hurl the orb in 5 by 60 foot line. After traveling 60 feet or hitting another object, the orb then returns to the rod. You may also choose to use this action to make a ranged weapon attack to hurl the orb at a creature, you are proficient with the rod for the purposes of making the attack roll. Upon a hit, the creature takes 1d6+2 Bludgeoning damage.

Tome of Overthinking
"Wondrous" item, very rare

This book contains convoluted riddles and paradoxical logic puzzles, and its words are charged with magic. In fact, the riddles and puzzles are so perplexing and nonsensical that any attempt solve them (even one) breaks your mind and decreases your Intelligence score by 2, as does your maximum for that score. The manual then loses its magic, but regains it in a century. This effect can be counteracted by reading the Tome of Clear Thought.

Tome of Alienating People
"Wondrous" item, very rare

This book contains guidelines for seeming unwelcoming and standoffish to others, and its words are charged with magic. The moment you read a passage of this book, your Charisma score decreases by 2, as does your maximum for that score. The manual then loses its·magic, but regains it in a century. This effect can be counteracted by reading the Tome of Leadership and Influence.

Tome of the Stilted Tongue
"Wondrous" item, very rare (requires attunement by a wizard)

This thick leather-bound volume has a poorly constructed and fake tongue pinned to the front cover. It's unclear how many of these tomes exist as it seems once one disappears, another takes its place. On the cover is a message that reads "Vecna's Dairy, Do Not Read". Signed below this is what appears to be beginning of the name "Olidammara", but is left unfinished and crossed out. Signed below that is the name "Vecna" in a childish and hurried script. The first few pages of each tome are filled with juvenile jokes and drawings. The remaining pages are blank and pristine.

If you can attune to this item, you can use it as a spellbook and an arcane focus. The tome has every spell that is known to exist and even a few that are outside the realm of mortal knowledge. While holding the tome, you can use a bonus action to cast one of these spells, without expending a spell slot. Unfortunately, this bonus action is wasted as no matter how hard you try, you are unable to speak any of the spell's incantations or perform their somatic components. Once used, the property of this tome can't be used again until the next dawn. Any attempt to copy or transcribe the text of these spells into another spellbook is met with failure as the words somehow disappear after writing them.

While attuned to the book, you can remove the tongue from the book’s cover. If you do so, all spells written in the book are permanently erased and a message that reads "No one likes a party pooper" appears on the cover. The tome then dissolves into confetti complete with the sound of a party favor.

Tome of Incomprehensibility
"Wondrous" item, very rare

This book contains indecipherable passages of every language and script used interchangeably, and its words are charged with magic. The moment you set eyes on this maddening text, your Wisdom score decreases by 2, as does your maximum for that score. The manual then loses its·magic, but regains it in a century. This effect can be counteracted by reading the Tome of Understanding.

Trident of Fish Commandeering

Weapon (trident), uncommon (requires attunement)

This trident is a magic weapon. It has 3 charges. While you carry it, you can use an action and expend one charge to subject any beast that has an innate swimming speed to a DC 15 Intelligence saving throw. Upon a failure, your consciousness is projected into the beast and you can control its body for 1 minute. If it succeeds, the beast's consciousness is projected into your mind and it takes control of your body for 1 minute instead. Both you and the beast are still aware of what's happening while either you or the beast are in control. The trident regains 1d3 expended charges daily at dawn.

Universe Solvent
"Wondrous" item, legendary

This tube holds inky black liquid with an unidentifiable smell. You can use an action to pour the contents of the tube onto a surface within reach. The liquid instantly dissolves a 1 square foot hole into the fabric of space and time, effectively opening a small portal to the Far Realm. One of the following then happens from the Event Horizon Table below...

Event Horizon Table (1d12)
  1. Arms of Hadar is cast at the hole's location (DC 15)
  2. A Gibbering Mouther lurches out of the hole and attacks
  3. Any creature within 5 feet on the hole is afflicted with a Short-Term Madness
  4. A random creature within 5 feet of the hole takes 4d6 Psychic damage
  5. Hunger of Hadar is cast at the hole's location (DC 15)
  6. A Flumph squeezes through the hole, waves, and floats away
  7. A horrible and incomprehensible vision Stuns every creature with 5 feet of the hole for 1 minute
  8. A random creature within 5 feet of the hole must make a DC 15 Constitution saving throw. Upon a failure, that creature's eyes explode
  9. Every creature within 5 feet of the hole must make a DC 15 Charisma saving throw. Upon a failure, their alignment is permanently changed to True Neutral
  10. A Beholder rips its way through the hole and attacks
  11. Reverse Gravity is cast a the hole's location (DC 15)
  12. A random creature within 5 feet of the hole must make a DC 20 Strength saving throw. Upon a failure, a black tentacle grabs the creature and pulls them into the Far Realm

The hole then closes and repairs itself.

Viscous Weapon
Weapon (any), rare

When you roll a 20 on your attack roll with this magic weapon, it turns in to a thick syrup that harmlessly splashes onto the indented target. This destroys the weapon.

Warpal Sword

Weapon (any sword that deals slashing damage), legendary (requires attunement)

You gain a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon. In addition, the weapon ignores resistance to slashing damage.

Upon dealing damage with this weapon, the Plane Shift spell is cast on you and sword. You may make a DC 20 Dexterity saving throw to let go of the sword. Upon a failure, you and the sword are transported to a random plane of existence as outlined on the Random Plane Table below. If you succeed, only the sword is transported in this way.

Random Plane Table (1d10)
  1. The Elemental Plane of Water/Fire/Earth/Air (roll an additional 1d4 to determine which)
  2. The Seven Heavens/Mount Celestia
  3. Avernus, The First Circle of the Nine Hells
  4. Pandemonium
  5. Elysium
  6. The Shadowfell
  7. The Feywilds
  8. The 45th Layer of Azzagrat in the Abyss
  9. The Astral Plane
  10. The Far Realm


One more left!

Thanks for reading!

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